On Punishing Happiness

There’s something wrong.

I’ve had too many happy days in this year already, in this past month itself. More than I have in the last year put together.

When things start going good for a while, you start wondering, worrying, waiting for the other shoe going to drop. When is it going to stop being good? Where is the bad stuff that is constantly in my life? They say you can never appreciate summer if you don’t go through winter, that you can’t appreciate the light when you haven’t experienced the dark.

In the past month, as I have waited for my happy times to end and for the shit days to come and claim their rightful place in my life, I have realized I don’t let myself be happy without simultaneously expecting to be punished for it. Being happy does not come naturally to me, it takes effort and a lot of cajoling for me to accept that this is not going to be the reason for something bad in the near future. After every Happy Ever After, there are silences, irreparable relationships and broken people. How can I believe that something good truly does last? Or even if it doesn’t, that it will come back again?

A couple weeks ago, I was speaking to a friend and we’d both had bad days. I told him about a quote I’d read earlier that day, “Life is never so bad that it can’t get worse, nor is it so good that it can’t get better.” And that’s true isn’t it? My happy days are bound to end some time (soon, by the way my final exams approach next week) but they’ll be back again. Maybe this time they’ll stay longer, they’ll manage to erase most of the effect the dark days have on me. I’ll be able to appreciate the good days better, to not worry about when they’re going to end, or whether they’ll be back.

Maybe today I’ll enjoy the sunshine and the sea and not worry about if and when I’ll come back to the same view.

–

As I write this, I’m sitting at Marine Drive, watching the waves crash onto the shore. They’ve done that every time I’ve been here this week, which makes me feel calm and not so worried about my future. I’ve just finished my last day in college and now I only have six exams before I’m completely free of Xavier’s. What a surreal feeling. Five years of college seem to have passed by in the blink of an eye (although I remember every single second of Lit double lectures) and I can’t believe I have to leave this place I called home in two weeks.

The last few months of college and the first few months of this year have been the happiest in a long time. I’m ready to leave.

It’s time for a new beginning.

Until next time,

Nia Carnelio.