The Reacher and The Settler

Hey guys,

I’ve come to you from the great beyond – far away where continuous exams continue to torture the hell out of me. I know I said I’d write more often, and I did start a couple posts only to get distracted by something else – oops.

Anyway, today’s post is about this cool phenomenon / thing? called The Reacher and The Settler. A little bit of context – for my social psychology class we have to do a small study on Interpersonal Attraction between 40 or so couples. And in between all the questionnaires and the analysis, we’ve been looking up stuff for our paper. And one of things I came across was the Reacher and the Settler bit among two people. I remembered first hearing about it  on How I Met Your Mother [yeah, whoever says sitcoms don’t teach you stuff]. So, in every relationship, there is one person who is reaching for the other who is clearly above their standard and the other person is settling for someone who may be below their standards. They say any relationship where both the people believe they are reaching is a happy one – there isn’t a cause for disappointment or a feeling of inferiority.


The reason for this post and this little spiel of knowledge is that off late, I’ve been feeling like I’m trying way too hard in every relationship that I’m part of. Friends, family, group members, acquaintances – heck sometimes, I think I’m way too nice to the people I meet on the train. There was a time in my life I believed I was actually mean and evil and all that (probably because I identified so much with the glorified Slytherin traits) but then realized that I’m actually a fairly decent – my only fault being gossipy and maybe making mean comments when people can’t hear me. But I can live with that.

Of course, there’s the whole bit where people I know and am friends with amazingly ignore me as though I’m invisible and never take something I say seriously (whether it’s the word limit for a particular assignment or an outpouring of feelings). I dunno, it’s not a wonderful feeling when the friends you trust make you feel as though you’re supremely unreliable. And then there’s the added feeling of reaching when I practically drop everything and help them out with essays or papers or whatever else they need my Lit major to do for them and then stand there empty handed when I need them for something. The thing is, this isn’t a one time thing – it happens several times from plans being cancelled and being uninformed about said cancellation, to friends not reciprocating your help or the effort you put into making their birthdays fun.

I’m not complaining, nor is this a passive-aggressive way of getting back at them (none and I repeat, NONE of my friends read my blog, so this is all safe) but this is me making an observation at how much we take people for granted. And I wonder then if I should stop trying. Because every time I’m the one who initiates the chat, messages the other one, or makes sure things are happening in the timeline we need them to. But then there was that tumblr post I read and cannot seem to find now that said, that even though people may not reciprocate your love and efforts, someone has to bow down in the relationship, otherwise there wouldn’t be any left, would they?


So, I think it’s fine that my friends and family take me for granted, that they decide that I am not capable enough or reliable enough or that I’m trying too hard, because someone has to. And I think I’m okay knowing the truth, because I’m learning this brilliant way of life of not giving a fuck about what other people say or think about me. I may get mad, furiously pissed from time to time, but all I need to remember is someone has to be the Reacher, and if it’s gotta be me, it’s gotta be me. Who knows, I may be settling for them at the end of the way.


This doesn’t mean that I’m keeping toxic people in my life and letting them take me for a ride. I’m rationing my effort, show me that you’re worth it and I will put in the effort that keeps our friendship/relationship alive, otherwise hasta la vista to you.

In other happier news, January is over and while the first week was absolute hell for me simply because of the little things – missing trains, losing stuff, not getting an email in time, too many exams to deal with etc, etc. and I thought I’d write about it but it’s been a busy month. I’m hoping to slowly get back to writing, especially since 7th Feb will set me free from these continuous tests for a month, until the semester end exams come to kill me. On the reading side, I’ve read about 11 books and I’ve read several of these books for my various literature assignments. Also, if you haven’t, you need to pick up Fight Club. What a book.

That’s all for today, the next time something bad or sad happens, I’ll be sure to write about it, that seems to be my theme anyway.

Hope you have a great day / night.

Until next time,

Nia Carnelio.



2 thoughts on “The Reacher and The Settler

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